loud wheel dog

this moment

2012-02-17T11:10:00.000-05:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2012-01-20T00:00:00.001-05:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

black beans, sweet potatoes and museums... oh my!

2012-01-14T13:33:00.003-05:00

when i was a ~~kid~~, young woman, my dad used to ask me, about once or twice a year, "hey wanna play hooky today and go museum hopping in the city?" i always said yes. it was always fun. as a parent now, i know it was an amazing thing for my dad to do for me. i loved art, he loved art, i think he knew i was heading toward an art career and it was a great way for us to spend time together. all through high school we did this. it continued through college (where my new art history knowledge made steam come out of his ears, in a good way, i think...;) and even after i was married we did this. the places we wanted to be were endless. guggenheim, moma, met, tiny galleries, subways, cabs, walking for miles... all next to a man i felt safe and loved by, beautiful.

it also always included lunch somewhere, my dad likes you fed. i was vegan by the age of 16 and my dad, who still after 21 years will offer me ice-cream, would navigate us (or make me navigate...always lessons about how to survive with him) to some vegan place i wanted to try. the candle cafe was my favorite and became our regular place.

our trips stopped after my son was born. i always had visions of a kid in a back pack going on adventures with us. the kid born unto us hated the car, hated anywhere that wasn't on my boob or in my arms. hard to get into the city, hard to museum hop with your boob out and your back hurting from holding said kid... so it stopped. my dad didn't mind too much, he really digs being a grandfather. we tried once with a stroller and me 8 months pregnant... that was four and a half years ago... then this year, his birthday was in september, i had been itching to go "hopping". i proposed the idea and he hit the roof!! i didn't realize how much our trips had meant to him, he'd missed them as much as i did. we had a blast. it was fun, familiar, mind expanding and comfortable. this moment was from that day.

and then he asked, "hey wanna go to that favorite restaurant of yours?" only a dad would go to your favorite restaurant on his birthday. he doesn't even really love it. but he loves eating and all kinds of food. whenever we go i try and order him something with whole food, no imitation anything. so i choose the paradise casserole. it was amazing. he loved it. i loved it. i came home and googled it. i found michele's version, and then i remembered i own the cookbook, it's in there too. i don't usually post recipes but so many people have asked for this one and everyone's versions are so different. so here it is, the way i like it:

sweet potato black bean millet casserole and burritos

5 medium-sized sweet potatoes

1 tbsp miso

1 tsp soy sauce

2 tsp cinnamon

6 cups black beans cooked (3 15oz cans)

1 onion finely diced, or not, big chunks work too.

4-12 cloves of garlic minced

2 TBS cumin

1 TBS smoked paprika (if you find smoked paprika send me some! i use regular i haven't found smoked)

1 TBS chili powder

1 tsp cayenne (optional)

2 tsp salt

1 1/2 cups millet

4 cups water (can use a vegetable broth cube, i like rapunzel, or veg broth to give this layer more flavor)

kale, chard, collards or some kind of leafy green. sautéed in olive oil. you'll need about a bunch per person, they cook down a lot.

roast or bake the sweet potatoes. about an hour or so at 350.

Remove the skin and mash or whip the potatoes with miso, soy sauce and cinnamon. Set aside. michele says: Do not skip the miso because it really makes this top layer. (i think you can skip the miso, it's ok. you can really leave out anything you want. i even have a friend who didn't have enough sweet potatoes so she mashed some carrots in. said it was great. go ahead, be free :)

Next, place the black beans in a pot and add onions, garlic and all spices. Let this simmer, covered with 1.5 cups of water for 15- 20 minutes. Using a fork, mash about half of the beans. (mash if you want to. use a immersion blender for a zip or 2 or just leave em)

While the beans and veggies are softening, add 4 cups of water to a large pot and bring to a boil. Add millet and cook until all water has been absorbed, about 30 minutes.

Using a huge freakin casserole dish. seriously i use a 14"x10", begin by first adding millet and pressing down firmly. Next spread the bean mixture and finally the sweet potatoes.

Bake at 350 F for 45-50 minutes. slice and serve over a bed of greens. the greens totally make it. for some reason the sweetness of them or whatever really is delicious together. i had this at the candle cafe and that's how they serve it. ENJOY!!

ok now this recipe is a lot of work. it is. i was vegan for 16 years. after that i've been dairy free, farm to table and just plain picky for the last 6. i cook 99.9% of what we eat at home. i'm used to a pile o dishes, i'm used to intense recipes and this one kicks my butt. it lasts forever cause it's huge but it's intense. i find i can get the deliciousness of the flavors by just making the bean and sweet potato part and making burritos. you can even add the greens in and it's great. also if you are going for the casserole, you can split this into two smaller dishes and cook on different days.

ok, go, cook, eat, laugh and enjoy!!

this moment

2012-01-13T10:20:00.000-05:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

two hikes and a bonfire

2012-01-09T00:55:00.000-05:00

busy, busy times it has been... i owe you lots of updates, for instance the birthday handmade's from may... yikes! but for now i'd like to say happy 2012. it's been a red letter year so far. i'm not one for resolutions, i don't really have anything i'm not already trying to do. and i abhor the "starting on monday" thing. once i want to do something i'd just like to get on with it, why wait?

since procreating, there's not a lot of time alone with my man. we've been trying to get a bit more in. just a bit. we like being with our kids all the time. we know it goes fast and we really enjoy it. it's the kind of parents we wanted to be, it's the kind of parents we have been for 6 years. we were married for 7 years before we had kids and we knew each other for 6 before we got married. we've lived in 3 states and in our car, the wanderlust runs deep in us. we waited a long time for our kids, and they are really fun to be around. so it is a rare occurrence that in three days we had three dates. very cool, very us and very fun.

for one hike we walked out of our house, up the street, to the end of a court and into the woods. up the mountain, down, then up, saw our neighborhood from the top, then around, came out through the botanical gardens and then walked back home. so very cool.

for another we hiked up and then around a lake. a hike we've been doing since we were teenagers. we did it when i was pregnant, with our nephew, with friends, by moonlight, with the kids on our backs. it's nice to be somewhere you know so well. when i am near trees and water i know who i am and where i belong.

new year's eve we had the kids in bed and asleep by 9. which if you know us, you know is a magnificent feat of daring, mixed with an ounce of know how and boat load of luck. we made a bonfire in the back yard, the sky was crystal clear, the stars were bright, the lake sparkly. at the stroke of 2012 there were bursts of color in the sky set off by folks around the neighborhood. it was exactly where we wanted to be.

cheers! to doing what you love this year with who you love to do it with.

this moment

2011-12-23T16:08:00.002-05:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2011-11-18T08:45:00.000-05:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2011-10-07T10:26:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2011-09-30T00:01:00.002-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

the march of the stupid soldier

2011-09-05T23:18:00.001-04:00

first lemme say this post is not intended to offend anyone, my dad, granfather, cousin are all soldiers whom i admire and they would all agree that a good soldier marches without question; regardless of the effect on the being.

second lemme say this is what my son says to me sunday night at 10pm as he's jumping on his bed, and in general nowhere near calm and seeming to be ready to sleep. he is starting kindergarten on tuesday, he met his teacher and class at school on friday. i've had a ~~year~~ week filled with anxiety, he had appeared to be showing textbook signs of his anxiety before or during a change. i wasn't sure what to expect, he hadn't really wanted to discuss the topic. ok, you have the scene.

he: (jumping) "i'm so excited! excited! woo hoo exciiiiited"

me: "oh?"

he: "yes for sc hooooool, to go to sc hooooooooool"

me: "hmmmm"

he: "uh huh, i'm gonna jump right into line and march like a stupid soldier"

me: nothing, i had nothing. i laughed like i was 13 and my BFF just had juice come out of her nose. he's not really allowed to say stupid (thanks roald dahl) but i just laughed. called in tree from which apple fell and more laughing ensued.

seriously? i can't even take it. all this worry, all these years of him clinging to me and me standing up for his right to stay home with me till he was darn ready to go. smiling sweetly at the ass wipes who wanted to tell me how flippin good it would be for him if i just dropped him off and let him cry, cause you know, he'd get over it. no, he wouldn't have and no, i won't and no, i didn't and hell yeah he's spent 5 years 9 months with me learning and absorbing and becoming a whole human being with an awesome vocabulary and now? well, it seems as if he's ready and as if he's pretty much nailed it. you go perceptive boy, you take your analytical, curious, assertive, tenderhearted self and you go march on in and steal their secrets. cause if there's one thing i'm pretty sure of? it's that you'd make a crappy soldier.

what is beautiful?

2011-08-25T16:44:00.002-04:00

oh that is so subjective. really it is. i just had a fit about kids toys and focusing on how you look, or what you wear. today i had a conversation with my daughter (3) who came downstairs asking "is this beautiful? do i look beautiful?" my response was (and she's used to this): "the orange and the green compliment each other nicely, all those colors together make it look like you are ready for some fun!" after that i looked her in the eyes and told her, "you are beautiful always because your heart is beautiful. so any colors or clothing you put on looks beautiful because your heart is under there" her response to that, "oh yea, and i'm strong and smart too!" oh shiva h vishnu yes! yes! ok cool, great! today i am contributing to the next generation feeling beautiful inside. awesome.

but what about us? who grew up with more cynicism, less confidence bestowed upon us? those of us who grew up wanting to be looked in the eye, who learned to hide certain aspects, not be proud... madonna says it best.... and what about the fact that it really is ok to feel beautiful? what about embracing who we are and starting to love it? what about that? because people really are beautiful, the human form is amazing. have you ever seen the light and shadow of where the upper arm meets the lower arm, not the elbow but the inside? have you really seen it? how about the back of an ankle? i have, i can stare there for an hour. it will distract me from our conversation, from whatever i am doing. i tried to watch the broadway musical 'chicago' i couldn't focus; i was engrossed in watching those amazing women and their muscles. i can't coherently speak when sun is shining on tree leaves... amy knows this; we are artists and we know it. it lives in us screaming to get out, to share this beauty with the world.

amy recently started her own photography business, soulshine imagery. she does all sorts of art photography; still life, landscape, portraits.... she has an amazing eye and talent. something she is passionate about in her life and her art (are those ever separate?) is she wants to show us what we might not see about ourselves, that we are beautiful. i won her contest for a portrait session; project soulshine::tara. i won more then that; i got to meet and hang out with a kindred spirt for a glorious afternoon, my soul was surely shining. i "met" amy reading her blog. in may of 2010 amy did a month long series: in celebration of mothers, it had a profound effect on me. her thoughts, ideas, existence, is tied to mine in cosmic ways i can not explain but am grateful for. so here you are, here is amy's view of what is beautiful about me. thank you amy, thank you very much.

arrow in my foot

2011-08-17T17:44:00.001-04:00

news from the kingdom:

the new set came. sports outfits, yahoo!!! a swimmer complete with goggles, soccer, tennis, baseball, with balls (ha!) and gear AND (deep breath) a cheerleader. a dark green (her favorite color) cheerleader outfit with pom poms. damn, i didn't see that coming. i got the pom poms out and said the green was another tennis outfit. then big bro, in a very loud voice, was like "look at the picture, it's a cheerleader, there's pom poms" i was all shhhhh. quick, get him out, try and explain that while cheerleading, an honest sport, has trouble in the area of very little girls who are not doing flips and handstands and how do you explain cliques and fitting in and looking beautiful to a 5 year old boy?? and how encouraging sports she can do and already likes is a good idea, like soccer... double damn. but i think it's ok, she loves the athletic gear that shows what they DO. so one small step? i try.

in other news: handed knight's arrow back after mowing my first lawn ever. by myself. with an old school reel mower. it felt really freakin good.

one of my favorite songs, especially when i'm in this kind of mood...

"What It feels Like For A Girl" -Madonna from the album "Music"

[Spoken:]
Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl

Silky smooth
Lips as sweet as candy, baby
Tight blue jeans
Skin that shows in patches

Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl

Hair that twirls on finger tips so gently, baby
Hands that rest on jutting hips repenting

Hurt that's not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you're trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
What it feels like for a girl

Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak

Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl

In this world
Do you know
Do you know
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
What it feels like in this world

keep the pumpkin prince charming, i'll take my broom

2011-08-15T16:15:00.002-04:00

it never ends. being any brand of smart, strong, independent woman in this country is like constantly swimming upstream. even if you've bucked the trend and have somehow come away with a strong sense of self with only whispers of inadequacy, you still end up living in this culture of "you look aaaadorable daaaarling". it's frustrating enough even after you've figured out how to maneuver it; and then you have a daughter. you hope she likes a different color then pink. well i did and mine does, she's a green baby she likes to say (phew). the problem is this whole world is out there trying to dumb her down, teaching her looks are more important then thoughts, boys are more able then girls.

what got me worked up about this now, today? well a simple dress up toy. melissa and doug's magnetic dress up to be precise. both my son and daughter got one a few years back, and then her another. but as she is now 3 it's just started to be played with seriously. the boy one has fireman, superhero, knight, policeman options. the girl one has clothing, all colors, shoes, bows, flowers hearts... you get the idea. one is career oriented, the other; just a wardrobe. there's a few out there and i see that you can get a girl sports one with tennis gear, basketball, swimming... which i just ordered due to my dilemma and her intense interest.... but there's about 7 girl ones with just clothing, princess garb, a bride and groom one of course (cause better start now for the one day you'll be a real princess). there's 3 boy ones all the boy ones are uniforms for work or sports or something to wear specifically for a thing to DO. there is no boy one with say: khakis and a work shirt, jeans and a flannel, suit and tie, t-shirt, shorts, hawaiian shirt, sneakers, loafers, flip flops, not even a grill spatula and a baseball hat accessory. really? yes really. i guess boys are not expected to be out of uniform ever. this all poses a problem in our play. z's girls get dressed and go to "work". r's boy gets dressed to go to a specific work that now he's locked into, there's no computer programer uniform, or architect apparel, and then when they get home and it's time for "party clothes" to go to say, the dinosaur puzzle making party and then swimming with the dinos, well r sends his boy in his underwear. he is ill equipped for parties, just like real life? maybe? my mom always laid clothes out for my dad if we were going somewhere. apparently men are expected to know how to dress for work but not for social life. so what are our kids learning? we've come so far and yet it's all still there, the underlying culture of girls being expected to be pretty first and boys to grow up and only think about work.

it gets me mad! and sad. but the world is changing, if only one kid and and a conscious remark at a time. i hope it is, it seems to be? i recently read two articles that i thought were pretty awesome. both about supporting girls being smart. lisa bloom's "how to talk to girls" in which she discusses making eye contact with young girls and asking her about a favorite book instead of complimenting her outfit. well done and yippie!! it does not escape me however that the cover of her new book Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World is a picture of her looking gorgeous and not say, young girls at desks or a conference table filled with professional women or a round table at what is obviously a book club of a mixed array of women from all walks of life or women and girls gathered around a piece of art in deep discussion. hmmm, i hope her intensions are good and it's not a money maker to prey on what we women desire. i haven't read it, if you have please comment. i hope it stays true to it's title and i hope our girls won't need to read it when they are women. i also think asking a boy what his favorite book is can be substituted for asking him his favorite sport or car.... let's break all the roles we've been cast...

laura hibbard's "hermione granger: the heroine women have been waiting for" in which she discusses girls finally getting someone to look up to that won't get us poisoned by an apple and waiting to be rescued. hermione is really the bomb, as is jk rowling for writing her. it struck me when laura was listing the role models of when we were girls, (you know, the princesses) and wrote of snow white who was saved by "a prince, who for some reason thinks kissing a sleeping girl is totally acceptable" exactly, things need to change. and i agree, witch's hats also trump tiaras in my house. rowling's books i have read, multiple times and i do intend to read them to my son and daughter when they are old enough. i know her intentions are good and i like knowing that her main characters are real. they have flaws and emotions and they make mistakes all while destroying evil. an evil they can only destroy while relying on each other, boys and girl. i'm down with that.

so in the meantime, in my princess free house (for as long as i can swing it) i've written a list (with input from my young charges) to keep in the box with the dolls and the clothes. it goes like this:

these girls are getting dressed to go to start their day. they are:
swim instructors, teachers, computer programers, graphic artists, musicians, mothers, marine biologists, driving instructors, lawyers, midwives, chefs, librarians, authors, zookeepers, veterinarians, landscape architects, dentists, tugboat captains, toothpaste cap screwer on-ers (think mr. bucket), farmers, bakers, artists, nutritionists, photographers, coaches..... and it's working. after i started to model this play i hear her saying "ok let's go to work now" of course they swim there, always, and have to change when they get there because they swim in their underwear. cool right? i feel like as long as i link the getting dressed with going to DO something that requires thinking i am aiding in her self worth as a smart woman. i also feel that modeling this for my son teaches him that girls and women are an integral part of society with much to offer, who should be respected and thought of as intellectual equals. i want them to know that women and men are different, that we all have different strengths. i don't pretend to think that either sex is superior or doesn't need the other. wasn't it virginia wolf who said "once women had the right to earn their own living and then feminism became obsolete, what would we see? men and women working together for the same cause*"? i think i'm on the right track.

the "goggles" (good use for hair bows, right? she's awesome and has always loved goggles) for swimming to and from work, to parties and for use when swimming into the water in the dinosaur puzzle.

*virginia wolf quote taken from danielle crittenden's book, "what our mother's didn't tell us: why happiness eludes the modern woman"

8/22/11 note added: so hey you know how the universe collides you with people you need to "know" or whatever? yea well, check out what naptime wrote like 3 years ago! crazy right? i wish i'd seen it sooner i would have cheated and sent y'all over there right away, first of all her grammar is way better then mine and second; maybe people would have been fed in this house instead of me ranting about equality in dress up dolls....

7/10

2011-08-06T23:18:00.000-04:00

i swam 7/10 ths of a mile today. from the dam of our lake to the diving boards. it was really, really, really cool. i came in 4th out of 4 in the under 40 division, which is exactly what i was shooting for. i tooted along enjoying the scenery happy to be accomplishing something so cool. i usually swim in circles, dragging a kid or two, it was pretty neat to start one place and end in another. i'm a stamina kind of gal, i could have turned around and swam right back, maybe next time i will. but today i did something i've never done before and it felt great. yahoo for me :) thanks for the support team C.

for the love of poop

2011-07-14T00:25:00.000-04:00

i embroidered a colon. the pattern is by sublime stitching, it truly "ain't your gramma's embroidery". my cousin turned me on to them, she sent me a gift certificate, i don't think she expected me to pick this pattern... the other one i got is here, it's a little more traditional. i really like embroidery, i picked it up because i was withering inside not making anything. it's all i've ever known, making or writing or creating. and now i make people, which is awesome, but you never really finish and it feels like the medium is my soul and i'm always running out.... i tried knitting, i'm still not done..... i just can't knit when i'm exhausted, which is always (i can't even be bothered with the shift key to make capital letters) i end up just counting stitches over and over. i needed something to do in my free time where i get to sit with my husband and the tv from 11:30 to midnight one night a week. but i feel like i waste time if i just watch. so occasionally i embroider.

so why a colon? well, i'm a realist and poop is where it's at. i mean without poop where are you? and in all seriousness, it's all i do all day: wipe poop, make food that will become poop, think about the last time they pooped, if they need more starch, veg, fruit... talk about poop, do sharks poop? well yes they do, google says so and dung beetles, they are a top hit on youtube in my house.... it's all about poop.

i also have 2 good friends who's lives revolve around helping people poop. they believe everything starts in the colon and a clean colon equals a healthy body. i wanted to make this for them, cause they live poop and cause it's just funny. i mean really, an embroidered colon?! am i the only one laughing? my husband says i have a singular wit. maybe i do, but that's just hilarious to me, colons are not the thing of lace and doilies, of scottie dogs and poinsettias on christmas tea towels. tell me you are not laughing when you use the bathroom in my house and the towel has a colon on it?

but it's not at my house, i gave it to my friend. it's sad actually, this is where the story goes from funny to sad. i'd been planning to make that for them for about a year. and then i started it. on april 17th. it was a sunday. i couldn't get my friends off my mind and i finally started their present. they were coming to visit in 2 weeks, i was hoping to get it done for them. and one of my friends died. the night i started the stitching. i sat and stitched and thought of them and those stitching hours were her last on earth. her husband has the colon towel now, i hope it makes him laugh and know how much i love them.

those friends are why i have my kids. they helped me clean out my body and tackle issues that were keeping me from conceiving. which, in a nutshell, is the agent orange that my dad was exposed to in vietnam. it makes me angry. livid. furious. and i'm one of the lucky ones. my brother and i have all our limbs, we can see and hear. he had hip replacement at 32, i've had joint pain since the age of 9. my dad has friends who have no children, no grandchildren, and major health issues. every time he goes to a veteran function he hears more stories of the horror this chemical has caused. my brother and i can list the things that we have that are from his exposure before we were even conceived, it's a long list but it's none of the really bad stuff. so we're lucky. but i'm still angry. and it keeps me up at night wondering what is damaged in my children, what did i pass on? i buy organic when i can, i'm working on growing more of my own, i refuse to use chemicals anywhere. i live in harmony with ants because i do not believe for one iota of a second that "safe" actually means safe. "they" told my dad it was safe. if there is one thing i believe it is that "they" lie.

and so we poop. we clear out the toxins as best we can, i teach my kids what is real food and what is crap and we laugh. big, hearty, belly laughs about poop humor. because it's too much to worry about. and if i am going to spend time on this spinning, polluted planet, i am certainly not going to worry the whole time; i know that is not my path. i'm going to embroider organs, stop the use of hand sanitizer in school (seriously, they douse them, don't get me started about endocrine changing substances intended to be forced on my kid....NOT gonna happen) garden; and stand high on my soapbox with an army of angry, educated, action moms on my side to go to war against "they".

this moment

2011-07-04T17:57:00.002-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

2011-06-17T22:20:00.002-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2011-06-03T10:12:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

swamped

2011-05-17T12:24:00.002-04:00

so playing along, with naptime, who's playing along... because i am a fan of good 'ol will, and also it's true, i am just swamped! and what's there to do but laugh along with those also battling r.o.u.s. so see you on the other side of the fire swamp.

“I can’t keep my head above water one minute to the next: it’s not just the parties and the goo-gooing with what’s-her-name, I’ve got to decide how long the Five Hundredth Anniversary Parade is going to be and where does it start and when does it start and which nobleman gets to march in front of which other nobleman so that everyone’s still speaking to me at the end of it, plus I’ve got a wife to murder and a country to frame for it, plus I’ve got to get the war going once that’s all happened, and all this is stuff I’ve got to do myself. Here’s what it all comes down to: I’m just swamped, Ty.”

this moment

2011-05-13T16:29:00.004-04:00

THIS moment was made possible by amy. who's blog had a raffle, and i won! i won a lot more then having my portrait taken, amy and i have been cyber friends for awhile and we finally got to meet, it was a cosmic, cool, happening. she's super talented, check her out here: soulshine imagery, her photography business. more about that and her here soon! along with her portraits of me !!!

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

10 minutes

2011-05-08T00:06:00.005-04:00

so i found myself alone again, in blissful silence, for 10 minutes. i like that it is starting to happen again, that i find myself alone in a quiet, beautiful place. my soul has been hungry, starving even... here's 10 more minutes that will someday contribute to the self, that is truly me, to live at the surface.

and then i came home to the normal, everyday, minutes. and for a moment i realized the beautiful in my pile of reality, that there can be no dream without reality, there is no beauty without ugliness, there is no peaceful bliss without the deafening chatter.

joyful blooming

2011-04-27T15:41:00.007-04:00

i love magnolia trees. i had 10 minutes to my self this week with one of them. they feel so magical and joyful and when i'm standing near one i'm not sure if i am dreaming a beautiful dream where at the end i'll be able to fly.

the view from here

2011-04-17T18:24:00.008-04:00

again, amy is inspiring me to do more then just the dishes...

the forsythia came out in what seemed like an hour, i can't stop staring at it and feeling the hope it brings that spring is really coming.

or playing near it.

there's so much of it, but i like looking at it with these 2 cool rocks. i'm enjoying discovering the beautiful little places that will take their place forever in my memory next too my past homes' favorite places.

i unpacked this bowl my dad made us a long time ago, the pears looked so perfect in it. i wanted to photograph them in sunlight but by the time the sun rose two were in my belly and the symmetry just wasn't the same.

late again for using seeds. i picked up 4 basil plants that are now on the counter waiting the pots they will go in since again my garden can not be permanent. you can't see the one i've already almost killed....

my dad came to town and brought this bench he made for us.

got a fabulous invitation... check it out if you can.

Ordinary Grace
a celebration of everyday beauty

selected photographs by
Amy Drucker
www.amydrucker.com

on display from April 29-June 11

NoKa and NoKa Joe's
25 Katonah Avenue, Katonah, NY
914-232-7278
www.nokajoes.com

Gallery Opening,
Upstairs at NoKa
Friday, April 29, 7-9:30pm

this cool cat decided she was done with diapers before she was 3. did it herself, which we are pretty stoked about since the older one was dragged out of diapers 2 months after his 4th bday.

she wanted "green underpants. not light green dark green". hard to find. so i carved a turtle stamp and gave her dark green turtles. she was delighted.

settling into our new back yard.

we found some green and blue glitter paint...that was for paper.

it was everywhere....but it looked so pretty.

what's your view like?

this moment

2011-04-01T09:38:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

on the 28th:::28 things

2011-03-28T00:01:00.010-04:00

you absolutely do not need to know about me:

i see in color, pattern and shadow.

i need to stop and stare if the sun or moon is shining branches or rainbows on my wall.

i can not focus if a fluorescent bulb is buzzing. it makes me feel insanity is stalking me.

i believe coincidences are opportunities.

some of my favorite smells are: rain, wet redwood forest, ocean, peach, wet desert, gushing snow melt, yarn, chocolate, my kid's and husband's heads, hardware stores and ben and jerry's ice cream shops.

i taught myself to type when i was 21 with a space invader typing program.

i have really awesome friends.

i've lived in a car three times in my life, by choice, each time exploring the usa.

my husband is my anchor and my sail.

i think the moon is the perfect light to kayak, hike and garden by.

when i see the number 28 i know the universe wants me to pay attention.

i tell my daughter every day, "you are smart, you are strong, you are beautiful". i hope she grows up sure of it.

i think tennessee, kentucky and nebraska are more beautiful then they get credit for.

i agree with holden caufield about phonies.

i can't stand when people are in my space or i can't see the sky, but i loved spelunking.

7 is my favorite number, 9 is second.

i've peed in a cornfield in iowa, and really enjoyed it. (you're laughing, but go ahead...you will see...)

i still believe in magic and; that when said magic presents itself, i will be able to fly.

floating is my favorite thing to do in water.

i love comic book superhero movies. if batman or wolverine are involved, i'm in.

i have a crazy high tolerance for physical pain but not cruel words.

i believe love is the most important thing parents can give children. any parents.

sometimes i bite my lip till it bleeds. i'm sorry every time.

i believe birth matters. i agree, passionately, with ina may about women and i want to aid in her desire to bring truth and clarity to the birth culture in our country.

my son has my exact hair cowlicks and all, in the very same places.

i believe souls are eternal.

i desire equally: a trip to the library of congress, and a sailing/kayak adventure in the galapagos.

my 28 things were inspired by amy's 41 things, my cyber friend who makes it feel like hope and love and support are everywhere if you just look. (amy, i can't stand the smell of any perfume either, or any strong, fake scent; smelly soap is my nemesis. i still have anxiety about under the bed, hate to talk on the phone, i believe in karma... and i think you know the list could go on, and on, and on...)

this moment

2011-03-25T13:07:00.003-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2011-03-18T21:04:00.003-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

liquid once again. joy!

this moment

2011-03-04T18:59:00.003-05:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2011-02-25T11:30:00.002-05:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

get your mind set... confidence will lead you on

2011-02-20T17:32:00.006-05:00

his fingers flew.

suddenly freedom.

his brother belted trumpet.

i smiled.

they played.

we sat.

piano, drums.

i thought a poem...i forgot it.

they jam in life.

we celebrate yours.

this moment

2011-02-11T11:10:00.002-05:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2011-01-21T10:58:00.001-05:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2011-01-07T10:25:00.001-05:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

rarely

2011-01-06T12:24:00.003-05:00

i rarely drink alone. yesterday was a rare day. seriously. i've had a tough week....month... that's no excuse to drink, i know. i didn't really mean to. in my life i think i've initiated opening a bottle of wine 3 times. my husband, who has been uber supportive of my vegan choices for 19 years... now of my grassfed beef and...farm to table visions.. well you get the idea. well he got me this book for christmas: veggie burgers every which way. and well he was out and i was making one of these recipes while they might be giants were entertaining my kids. i was aiming for some sanity while also getting dinner cooked. it called for 1/4c of red wine. i usually just skip this part in recipes. but there was a bottle of wine on the counter. i figured ok i'll use it. i opened it. i remembered he told me to always taste it first. i did. it was so good. so i put 1/4c in the recipe and some in a wine glass. then some more. then even, some more... the veggie burgers came ok in one pan and mushy from the other. i still ate them. they were ok. but the wine was really good! and today is going well. better then the last week. we moved you see and my homebody boy is having trouble adjusting to this new home. he'll be ok. but in the meantime i think a little bit of wine is a good idea.

in the picture the burgers look just like the book! in real life...not so much...

happy happy merry merry

2010-12-23T20:31:00.003-05:00

to you and yours,

enjoy. love. live in this moment of joy and beauty. peace to you all.

love,

tara

in november:::::on the 28th

2010-11-28T23:07:00.003-05:00

he's 5 today

it seems so long ago he passed through me into this world

starting his journey and mine at the same instant

or was it yesterday

i have never been the same

neither has my sense of time

glimpses of seeing millennia in either direction

i give thanks to him

for guiding me to where love exists

purely

winds of change

2010-11-08T16:00:00.003-05:00

i love the fall. i love all the seasons and as i grow older there is more in each one that i admire, they have become more equal in my loving of them. but the fall is more emotional to me, a little different.

we chose the fall to be married in, it's always felt like a time of new beginnings and transition to both of us. and every year when the breeze turns crisp with a hint of chill, we celebrate our togetherness as we journey through this life.

i became a mother in the fall. as the trees change i remember myself walking, walking, walking, hiking, walking, hiking.... endlessly waiting for him. it was the only time i was comfortable and so i just kept going. i walked through the guess date and then i walked for two more weeks. the day before my boy came to me i was on top of a mountain surrounded by a lake, bare trees, crisp air... willing him to join us here on earth.

halloween. it's my favorite holiday of all. i love the costumes, the making, the pretending. i love the connection to all souls past and present. 2 years ago my gram passed away on halloween. i was hiking with my 2 in the same spot i endlessly walked, waiting... pregnant, when she passed into spirt, transitioning our relationship into a different dimension.

and now on top of all the emotions that come with all of this, and the celebration of gratitude we prepare for next, we are moving. to a home we have dreamed of for years, lifetimes perhaps. after moving 12 times in my life i am excited at the prospect of moving somewhere we have longed to live and staying there, surrounded by earth and water and trees... it's right where we belong. i think. it's bittersweet. i am leaving the house both my children were born in. the way the light filters in reminds me of the moment we met. the place where i've lived the longest since i was a kid, the place my family came to be.

i've always liked lucky 13, i'm looking forward to it, this next direction that these fall winds are blowing us in.

this moment

2010-11-05T08:53:00.003-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2010-10-29T12:06:00.002-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2010-10-08T13:18:00.002-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2010-10-01T10:03:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

goggles

2010-09-21T23:25:00.001-04:00

so if maple syrup and ketchup are food groups at our house; goggles are a wardrobe staple. they are right there with striped pajamas, crowns, capes and rain boots. they love, love, LOVE goggles.

goggles complete superhero costumes.

are handy up on your head for quick use in a pinch.

for x ray vision. as in "wobble goggles"

making the world look blue.

they're good for keeping snow out of your eyes.

for cleaning the bottom of boats. or pretending to be like daddy cleaning the bottom of a boat.

to dress up green polka dots.

for getting closer to using them in actual water.

for busting out of sing sing...? or onto broadway?

typical breakfast attire.

as safety glasses...kind of.

and sometimes we even go swimming with them.

12 on the 12th

2010-09-17T08:45:00.000-04:00

the 12th of september was our 12 anniversary. we got to spend the day together...alone. we don't get a lot of alone time, especially not in big chunks. we went sailing, which we have not done just the two of us ever on our own boat. it was bliss. wind, river, trees, trains, bridges, silence, each other. happy 12 love.

this moment

2010-09-11T14:44:00.000-04:00

(one day late...)

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

in back of me

2010-09-08T21:57:00.000-04:00

she's 2. she's sweet. she's opinionated. she's smart, strong and beautiful. she's never had a haircut. and yesterday she asked me,

"mom, can you make a ponytail in the back of me please"

why yes, yes i can.

it was hard to stop hugging and kissing her long enough to make that ponytail.

this moment

2010-09-03T12:24:00.001-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this hour...waiting for earl.

this moment

2010-08-27T08:40:00.001-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2010-08-20T10:21:00.001-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

so much fun

2010-08-09T13:13:00.001-04:00

we've been having a fun summer. this weekend was really packed. no time for writing, some for thinking, lots for playing. and absolutely none for dishes! hope you are enjoying your summer too.

this moment

2010-07-30T13:07:00.001-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment..kind of

2010-07-23T12:49:00.001-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

it's a picture of words so not so sure that counts? but i had a string of quiet moments alone to explore this little store of an artist, i like her philosophy.

this moment

2010-07-16T12:06:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

the birthday:::handmade

2010-07-13T10:24:00.000-04:00

so 2 months later...

embroidered matryoshka, her favorite "babies". pattern by sublime stitching. a gift from my cousin, tonya. (thanks ton! i didn't do the colons yet ;)

birthday crown. in shades of favorite color: green, and second favorite color: purple. pattern from soule mamma's, "the creative family".

she's in it here: in "this moment" and here:

with rowan playing the "tinest babies"

cupcakes by dad: simple vanilla from "vegan cupcakes take over the world"

birthday banner, made by me and rowan, finished for rowan's birthday and now a "hazel" too. pattern from the creative family.

and the best "made by us" of all...

her little self. the joy and love that embody her. what a fun celebration!

this moment

2010-07-09T10:45:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2010-07-02T10:12:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

the first strawberry

2010-06-28T21:10:00.000-04:00

photo by my mom and her cell phone

this is my gramp. his birthday was on june 18th. he turned 84. he loves strawberries. i mean LOVES strawberries. my whole life he always has. my gram passed away a year and a half ago. her birthday was june 26th she would have been 80. they always celebrated together. i know he misses her. this year i brought him a hanging strawberry planter from the local farm so he could grow them. he loves to grow things. he has a tomato hanger too. he splits his time between living with my mom in an apartment and my aunt's house. so he can bring them back and forth. he's from sicily, he came here on a boat when he was 2. he went through ellis island. he's always grown things. when i was a kid i used to "help" him in his garden. his family always had a garden. his father made wine in the bathtub. he's also a butcher. he worked full time until about 4 years ago and part time until last year. he used to make sausage in his garage. i think it makes him happy growing things and being able to feed his family with his bare hands. he really likes to grow fig trees from cuttings he brought back from italy years ago. i have one in my yard. he tries to help me with my garden, i have been pretty hopeless. anyway here he is with his first strawberry from his planter. this photo makes me happy. i like that i could bring him something that gives him joy.

-------::postcard haiku from the shore::-------

2010-06-27T23:07:00.001-04:00

joy intensified

blue deeper than memory

vibrates gratitude

this moment

2010-06-11T12:54:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

it's not from this week, but a week in the recent past

this moment

2010-06-03T23:23:00.001-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

in response to good art

2010-05-28T14:16:00.002-04:00

you may have noticed i haven't been updating much lately. i've been completely preoccupied. yes i had the big #2 birthday and the sewing and creating and preparing surrounding that, but i had that under control. i know... i surprised myself too considering i leave much to be desired in the susie homemaker department, but i realized it comes from usually having the birthday preparations AND the holiday preparations all coming at me at once. just one birthday...well, it seemed kind of like... cake. ok i digress that's not why i'm here. yes i have a post in my head showing all the birthday creating and celebrating, but first this.

this is where i've been. amy's blog, a commonplace life. she did this amazing project; during the whole month of may. each day she posted a portrait of a woman in her life who is amazing in her own right but also a mother. it's called in celebration of mothers. and i can't say enough good things about this project. i also can't say enough about how much her introspection into the lives of these women, and her self, has affected me. it has given me a path to contemplate the relationships in my life, my path, my journey, who the people i meet are, who i am.

each post i found myself wanting to write a dissertation on the effect of the 'portrait' on me. amy says in the very first post that portrait photography, as an art medium, is outside of her comfort zone. well i don't think it is anymore. she did an amazing job. i told her this, and i'll tell you here, i believe good art needs emotional power. i do. i think some people get trendy or crafty or argue this is craft, this is art. but really i ask myself, does this make me feel? does it make me think? does it leave me in a different place then where i started. yes? then i think it's art. that's kind of how i define art. thing is i've believed this for a long time. but i forgt that's exactly what i believed. i hadn't given it focus, words. not until amy started this project and i started seeing myself sitting down every morning to see the next portrait and getting up different. all through my day i was thinking about what this person was to her, to the world to herself. and most days the person in my life who most mirrored this person came up. i thought of them, of us, of our relationship. this happened everyday. or something about this person that amy revealed made me realize, i think that, but do i? or why do i?

it changed me. it's good art. i'm not a critic, but i am an artist, a woman, a mother, a human being and i know what i like and i make things others sometimes like and; i like this. if you want to see my thoughts about some of the photographs go look at the comments. i couldn't help myself. i couldn't even comment on some of them because i barely had the time to read it, between diapers and food and life but i was there everyday and even when i was reading it holding 2 squirming kids on my lap it affected the rest of my day. i used every second of "me" time on these portraits. and i don't get a lot of that. i am lucky to get 15 min a day to myself. i took even less showers. it was the thing i choose to do to feed my soul. i went back more then once some days because i wanted to see the other comments, i felt like i was at an opening, holding a glass of wine, discussing the effect the pieces had on me. some days i couldn't comment because i knew i'd write too much. and i knew that the comment section wasn't the place to look at myself and my choices and why this particular woman was bringing this out in me. that's why i'm writing this. something this powerful deserves it's own space in "my" world too.

i started thinking about art in terms i hadn't used for years. amy and i even exchanged a few emails, longer emails then i've written in a long time, words flooded from me that i hadn't used in years, ideas...i felt elated, electrified... comfortable. i've been journeying to come back to my creating roots. i had been lost. motherhood is one seriously strange trip that has thrown me for a loop. this project has helped remind me to see myself as the artist i am and need to be. it has also shown me the wonder of the universe and how you find the people you need to find, somehow.

that brings me to how i even came upon amy's blog. well my cousin tonya. she lives in seattle. she has 2 daughters that are very close in age to my 2 kids. we are 9 months apart in birth. she started a blog to keep in touch with family and then another to share her sewing and quilting. i felt like we had a "visit" each time i read it. i wrote more about this here when i began blogging. anyway she had amy redesign her blog. i clicked over to amy's site. i liked her style. i thought "if i met this woman, i think i would like her" i saw some of myself in her, i felt comfortable, like i just showed up to a party with friends. and in this journey i was taking, trying to find my creativity again in a more fundamental sense, i found myself being inspired by amy. she was writing about things i could only think about sometimes for a few minutes. i was thankful to be going deeper. to be sharing a perspective, to have someone who was wondering and seeing kind of on the plane i was on. i was hooked. it was like being back in college where i could be surrounded by contemporaries discussing ideas. it was the creative jolt i was craving. it was part of the village i was searching for.

to make things even more mystical. amy's first portrait is of nikki. ok ready for this? tonya is in seattle, amy lives in ny, about an hour from me, nikki i met at a playground in nj, 1 town away, when both of us were pregnant with our daughters. they are 9 days apart. it was like my belly was pulling me to her belly. the girls were magnetic. nikki has known amy for years. i can't deny that i needed to be here.

so the portraits. that's what i'm talking about right? when i started this post in my head about 2 weeks ago i had all these things i wanted to say. now amy is done posting and i could be here for years writing about each one. if you know me, you know i could go on and on. i won't. or at least i'll try not to.

i'll start with the purely artistic. i love the portraits for what they are. very well composed, well lit, beautiful, saturated colors used right, textures, the backgrounds support the subject, the true nature of these women bursting out. eve and cousin jen are 2 awesome examples of the energy of these women coming through the medium. then i'll move to the language. amy is not only an artist with a camera, a computer, a sewing machine, and who knows what else, but with words too. the writing about these women is straightforward, beautiful, daring, deep and truthful. she weaves what she says about them together with how she photographs them and it makes a beautiful piece of art. titi kelly and auntie jill, i thought amy's heart might be at risk to the weather after these two women's portraits.

personally i think that the more intimate she got with her writing the better the whole portrait came out. but i also believe this to be true about all art. if you lined these portraits up without the writing, they would all be wonderfully graphic and maybe i wouldn't be as drawn to the "deeper" ones without the writing? doesn't matter. art is in the eye of the beholder right? and this beholder thinks the addition of the writing adds something beautiful and special, a dimension the camera has trouble capturing. i also think it's the observations amy makes that i am drawn to. i am often told by people, "i would never have noticed that?" really? that's my life, noticing stuff no one does. it took me years to realize all people don't see in shadow and light, positive and negative space, colors where feelings are concerned. so when amy says about jeanne, "i know that her back yard gate has a door built into it which leads to her neighbor's back yard..." that makes me love this portrait with it's red and blue and white even more. i love the wide planks on jeanne's front porch. i love her simple quiet. i love that amy notices things i notice. i love that amy is honest. ok that isn't so much about art, the honesty, but i think the person making the art has to be honest and heartfelt or the art lacks soul.

the soul in the posts about her ex husband's girlfriend, laurie, her mother in law, and grandmom betty, was staggering. really. first, if you look at all these portraits in the series you see that amy sees the bright side of people. now ok, i know she's human, i'm sure she has her days but here she's doing a series about celebrating women and she includes women who others in her position could consider "the people on the other side of the room". i know this because i'm no stranger to the dynamics of having divorced parents, divorced grandparents, divorced aunts and uncles, divorced inlaws, a second marriage with half twin sisters in law.... i get it. i do. these portraits made me not feel alone in wanting to see the good in everyone and not have to choose "sides". i've worked hard to be switzerland. it's not easy. and it's too bad there is no ocean because i'd probably be better at it if i could sail around the coast of switzerland... i have little to compare to the hurt in the moments when i watched my father ostracized from a family he gave so much to.... it hurt, in more then one dimension. in those moments the true colors of people i had revered were colors i couldn't look at. and i love color.

so you see what i mean? these portraits were digging deep into me. amy says that one of the prime directives of this project was to look at what women choose to do in addition to mothering. i've been ransacked. i've chosen to eat and occasionally bathe in addition to mothering. i know stop being dramatic. but really. i don't think i even read a book for the first year or two that wasn't about breastfeeding, cosleeping, baby health.... so here i am trying to gain some buoyancy in this sea of motherhood. i feel lost, like the me i remember is slipping away. i've been searching for the past 2 years to bring myself back. it's working. it helped that baby #2 showed me that baby #1 took more then usual, that he is here for a reason, he chose me for a reason, that he is part of the lessons i am to learn in this life and he is one of my teachers. they both are. it helped that the actual process of birthing gave me confidence to be the woman i knew i could be. i mean seriously if you can do that you can do anything. i'd always had confidence but now... geeze. and it helped that i could see how you could get sucked down this hole of motherhood of giving and giving and not ever filling up again. i could see how 15 or more years could go by and you wake up and you have no idea who you are anymore or who your husband is. and that couldn't be me. i'd spent too much of my life knowing i didn't want that to be me. i didn't even want kids. i didn't even want to get married. but i was running from what i thought were restraints when really they could be liberators if i let them.

and i did, i let them. marriage is one of the most liberating things i've ever done. it didn't complete me as much as complement me. but who is me? am i still that me? becoming a mother has changed me, yes. has it changed me into what i was running from? no. but motherhood has made me see the women in my family differently. in high school i cut out a nike add and hung it on my bedroom wall. it was in big letters "you are not your mother" and it went on to list all these things, these characteristics that this woman was running from. i'm sure my mom loved that. it was no secret i wasn't like her. and well, teenage girls fighting for their individuality can be harsh... especially the ones in strict italian households with big ideas of opposite natures...the cahterine portrait brought all this and more flooding back. especially the part about putting your "face" on. the women in my family are big on that. especially my gram. whom despite loving very much, i never understood the "face" thing. i have spent my life opposing the 'face'. mostly because putting on this "face" seemed to become more important then who the "face" was going to see. or do. or be. there was always this "what will people think" and showing this "face" to the world with who was underneath not mattering. this "face" was late to birthday parties, this "face" brought lots of waiting in hot cars. i wasn't sure why how i looked mattered so much? especially since what people had to say seemed so much more interesting to me. i wanted to be on time. i wanted to show people they mattered to me by not making them wait. i wasn't even late to my own wedding. but this portrait of this smart, beautiful, well spoken woman, well it made me reconsider my view of how i feel about this. i read catherine's letter from the editor, she talks about fashion as "a tool for self-expression". it made me realize that maybe my gram, who really if i'm being honest was very glam and could have been mistaken for a character on dallas, was just trying to spice up suburbia's view of her?maybe it's how she saw herself and all of her giving to her kids and husband was sucking the life out of her. i mean that was back when most women didn't get to go after their passions, most women got married and had immaculate houses and a fridigidaire. my house is not immaculate, i'm not even sure you can call it clean. seriously i am a terrible housekeeper. but i think it's because i have these things that drive my passion, these things like writing this. i'm on the second day of writing this and it's 1:28am. i haven't slept in 2 nights more then 2 hours at a time and the 2 weeks before last week were the same because of molars, or the moon? or just because my kids don't sleep. i have a pile of laundry up to my belly button. i don't fold underwear when i put it in the drawer. my gram is rolling over in her grave that i'm telling you this. her house, my mom's house, they were impeccable, but their souls were not free. my gram died regretting that. i know she did. the only thing maybe she had that showed her uniqueness was her glamour. i get that now. i also get that all women that look great aren't necessarily putting that first. and aren't necessarily making others feel that they have to live up. catherine reminded me that i am a woman. and women get to put on flow-y dresses and spin around if they want to. and that wearing jeans, and shoes i can always run in, and a baseball hat doesn't hide the woman in me if that's how i want to be perceived. i think i just didn't want to be seen. or judged, but by not wanting to be judged did i judge? perhaps. i didn't want to be seen as pretty, i wanted to be smart. i wanted to be listened to. i still do. being 5'6" with boobs at the age of 11... maybe i just go off on the wrong foot. amy's portrait of catherine has me re-evaluating.

it's a path, it's a journey, who am i. my friend nicole told me i was the most confident pregnant person she'd ever met. this is after i was pregnant with my second and i told her that the difference was the pure joy i'd felt. the first time i was petrified. she was shocked. but i was, i was petrified. i was petrified that after all those years of wanting to be a mother, the joy was going to be swept from me. maybe i didn't think i deserved it after all those years of saying i'd never get married or have kids and then i did, or i tried to. maybe i just wasn't sure i was meant to be a mother in this lifetime? maybe it was just the logistics. my husband says all the time that our perspective is different about our kids because it took so long for them to come to us. but the moment i became a mother everything changed. amy's self portrait could be mine, well i mean we don't look the same, but what she writes about herself, that could be me. it could. even the part about wanting to be an artist. that was always my answer too. and especially the part about creation and creativity bringing joy. it does. it really, really does. the part i'm working on is the part about being complete and well rounded as an individual to bring that to my mothering. because i believe in that. i just am not succeeding at that. not well. what i choose to do in addition to mothering has to be done more. but when it's done more i feel my family suffers. i need to find the balance of filling myself up and giving to the ones i love. but i think that's part of what this whole project is about; finding that balance and celebrating it.

i am on my third day now of writing this book, um blog post, and today, while contemplating my reactions and amy's lessons learned i realized that i am really doing ok. i do need to feed my soul more, yes. but my husband put it really well. i was telling him about how affected i was by this project and how i was writing about it. and he said, "you never stopped making stuff, you just have new mediums now". right. he's always so spot on. really, he is. and he's right. i did two huge projects using my kids as part of the medium, i did a weekly photograph of them for the first year of each of their lives. i called it 'kid's name 52ish' i didn't get every week. i got about 46. it came from an idea that my long time friend, artist, photographer, artichoke cooker, general awesome girl, beth gave me. she sent me a link when i was pregnant with rowan to this project a photographer did where she took a photo of her friend's kid in the same spot each week. it was called johnny 52 or something. i can't find the site, i'm sorry i can't give her the credit she deserves... but a quick google is showing me she may not have been the first! anyway i did this. i went out i found a beautiful pillow with red in it big enough to lay a baby on with room to grow. i got a red one because my pregnancy with rowan felt red, the whole time. and i laid him on it and took his photo. i hung them up for his first birthday, (they're still on the wall...with painters tape... he's 4 1/2). i even touched them up the week before, gave him a fig leaf for his jewels... it felt like a huge project a culmination of something i worked really hard on, in more ways then one. i did it for hazel too. i had a better camera by then, some lights, her pillow is greenish. her pregnancy felt green. hers got hung on a string outside. i made their birth announcements even hand carved a stamp for each, anyway that's not all. i made my midwife a glass sculpture, it took 3 years, but i did it. i designed my aunts logo and letterhead and business card for her new business, during canines erupting... that was stressful, but i did it. i entered mothering's breast feeding logo contest, i got voted among the most artistic, and i didn't even get to spend half the time i needed..i designed a logo for my friends personal chef services, and i did it for her amazing prepared food instead of money, that was awesome. then i started sewing. there was other stuff too. he's right i didn't stop. i was just derailed a bit, and deprived of sleep, which no one will argue is a torture device the military uses. but i'm still here. and i realized that the kids are kind of this new medium. it's like someone was all "hey here's some plutonium, make me something" and i'd be like "plutonium? how the hay do you work with plutonium? that stuff can kill you!" kids can too. and there's probably a bigger learning curve.

so i'm learning. i'm loving my new mediums, even if somedays i have no idea how to work with them. i feel pretty happy to have figured out that i'm still here and always was. and i'm really glad to be focusing a little more energy on me. because who i am directly affects who my kids will turn out to be. because if "portrait photography isn't just about taking pictures", motherhood for sure isn't just about getting the kids to adulthood.

thanks for the journey amy, thanks for sharing the joy.

the 28th

2010-05-28T12:09:00.000-04:00

today is may 28. i love 28. my birthday is 1.28.75. my son, rowan's birthday is 11.28.05. interesting right? i like when things like that happen in this world, i believe there are no coincidences there is only our path and what we choose to see and what we choose to consider important or meaningful. i think you meet people at a certain time for a certain reason if you only open your mind and heart to them, they will bring you insight into your existence. this boy of mine came to me on this day, at the very end of 42 weeks of pregnancy, for a reason. we are both 28's, both warriors, both highly connected to each other, the universe, this earth. his sister is born on 14, exactly half of 28 and in so many ways she is the exact opposite of him. i think it's cool. well today, 14 days after hazel turned 2 is rowan's 1/2 birthday. so happy 4 and 1/2 rowan, this life, this adventure is way better since you came on the scene, i'm so glad you choose me to be your mom.

this moment

2010-05-21T14:41:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

just pretty

2010-05-19T20:33:00.001-04:00

this is just pretty. it was for my mother in law for her birthday. it was an insane day and after i wrapped this up and it was sitting there with the light and the beautiful plant from south africa that i just happened upon... well i had to take a picture.

this moment...many moments

2010-05-14T15:16:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

however, today there are a flood of moments in my day and in my memory. i need some words... time and space seem to fold on days like these and the events of that day and the events of this day sort of meld together. today my hazel turns 2. from the moments she was conceived she has embodied joy. happy birthday hazel basil bing bong.

two years ago...

one year ago...

today. loving her "tiny" babies.

joy. love. sweetness.

a moment

2010-05-11T19:50:00.000-04:00

i've been participating in soulemamma's friday this moment. i've been busy and i've been savoring moments a lot! so here's another moment from my week.

({this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.)

one year ago today

2010-05-08T20:39:00.001-04:00

a moment

2010-05-08T14:01:00.000-04:00

i've been participating in soulemamma's friday this moment. i've been busy and i've been savoring moments a lot! so here's another moment from my week.

many of these are taken with my cell phone. i miss my "good" camera but it just doesn't fit in my pocket, survive the sand and i believe when the camera gets in the way of the fun, i may get the photograph i want but i am missing out on the moment as it should be... so for the sake of trying to be fully with my kids.... here's the cellphone picture.

this moment

2010-05-07T23:20:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

in preparation of turning 2

2010-05-06T11:39:00.000-04:00

the sewing, the planning...

the wondering how 2 is already here?

the excitement of celebrating this sweet soul.

this moment

2010-05-01T21:22:00.001-04:00

{this moment} - Joining Soulemama's Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

i missed friday....so here's my moment

lounging in sheets

2010-04-26T16:43:00.000-04:00

i have been looking for the perfect pair of pj pants for years. so when i saw this: easy like sunday morning. i thought, hmmm, exactly! i had been saving an old sheet with a worn hole in the middle, just for this. i love these sheets. they are from the company store, my mother in law gave them to us the year we got married, that was 12 years ago. they lasted a long time. well i've been saving it for 2. anyway the pattern is: the Wide-Leg Lounge Pant pattern from Amy Butler's In Stitches. i don't really sew. well i guess i do, but i'm kind of a learn as you go sewer, and i sort of use sewing like welding or painting, it's kind of just another medium to get what is in my head into the physical world. recently i've started sewing more because i can do it in the house, with the kids and actually get something done. so it satisfies my need to create as well as my desire to be surrounded by handmade, thought about with good intension, items. but anyway the pattern was great. i left off the trim at the bottom and just made them solid. and i added an elastic to the drawstring because i hate untying every time i have to use the loo. i love them, i feel like i'm still in bed! well kind of ;)

i intended to take a photo right when i finished, when they were all pressed and beautiful. well i didn't, then i wore em, washed em, and who irons pj pants? well probably the same people who iron sheets. not that there's anything wrong with that... so here they are in all their wrinkly glory.

a moment

2010-04-26T16:37:00.000-04:00

i've been participating occasionally in soulemama's this moment, it's a friday thing. today is monday and it's raining here. i love the rain. but it can be confining, especially when it's a cold rain. i am just coming back into my energy after a difficult few weeks. i've been cleaning since 8:30 am on sunday. i'm not a cleaner, nor a nester. but for some reason 2 weeks before each of my children's birthday's i feel the need to de-clutter the house. today i am remembering a moment from last week, so i am expanding this moment into a moment. enjoy!

this moment

2010-04-23T10:12:00.001-04:00

this moment

cooped up and coughed out

2010-04-05T20:17:00.000-04:00

it's spring. thank the universe. really, thank you universe. i wasn't sure i was going to make it. i thought we made it through the winter with just a few sniffles and a lot of fun in the snow and i was standing in the first rays of glorious sunshine and thinking wow, we made it through! and then 3 days later (i know, i should have knocked wood...) i started coughing. 2 days later the littles woke up with fevers and coughing. and then we had sick. full on, sick for days, a week, and for me about 10 days. for 4 of those days i was the sickest i've been in over 5 years. i was laying on the couch, letting my kids watch curious george like they have never before, feeling like i would never feel motivated to do anything ever again. oh and it rained, did i mention the rain? the biblical, monsoon that did not allow sunshine. so while i was wallowing in self doubt that i no longer possessed the ability to be a good mother and i would never again feel the urge to actually care if they never stopped watching tv and i would never read them another book or come up with a creative idea and i probably would never breathe through my nose again, it was pouring, gray, damp and cold. i felt as if i had been consumed by dementors. and chocolate wasn't even helping.

but it's over. i feel hope again. i know we are loved. my husband thankfully didn't get sick, and for the first time i can remember i had sick kids and a sick me and someone to help take care of us, instead of someone to tag team with who was as sick as me. that was awesome. and jen. what would i have done without my jen? she is a cooker friend extraordinaire who not only left food on my doorstep but cooked that food with all the love in the world to help make us well. i am so thankful for the people in my life who are so grand. which brings me here to this space and this post. i haven't posted in such a long time, busy yes, two year molars and no sleep, yes, i lost all hope for a while, yes and today i checked out a blog i like to read, http://www.acommonplacelife.com/ and amy, who i have never met, but i am pretty certain we would be friends if we knew each other, was blogging about the importance of the mundane, (and the defense of facebook) and i was thinking she is so right. here i am in my little bubble of motherhood, living in my world and busy every second of the day with my 2 little ones who take oh so much. and i have lost touch with so many people because i just don't have the time. i mean i've even lost touch with myself. i look at myself in the mirror and i wonder who that lady is sometimes. anyway amy is right, the mundane, that's what keeps us woven together. and i know that. i live that. i just kind of haven't thought about it much. my husband does not travel. he could. we could have more money, he could have more opportunity for his career. but he doesn't because he would miss us. we would miss him. it's the everyday that we want together. i want to know that he had a crappy bagel for breakfast and he would rather have the egg sandwich. i want to know that the tie he is wearing is yellow. i want to see him in the morning. i love seeing him for 5 minutes at lunch on his way back to the office. it's a wonderful treat to be in his presence in the middle of the day. i want to see him after work, playing with our kids, laughing with them, holding them and listening to them tell him they blew bubbles today or learned freeze tag. and i want us to experience this life at the same time, everyday. he taught me this. years ago i would work for a few days in a different state, when i came back he would look me over and ask me questions and make sure to take me to dinner and sit and talk to me, he was making sure i didn't change, making sure i was still his tara.he wanted to journey with me, not see the outcome of the journey on my soul, but be there for the transformation. he is wise. and he knew that's what happens when you loose the mundane, you loose the connection. amy talks about how facebook has given this back to us, kept us connected to those who we may have lost touch with in an easy to keep up with format. she's right. facebook was something that certainly kept me sane during this very long winter. even the days i could not write a status, i could follow conversations, see photos of friends, feel kind of connected. motherhood is lonely. i commented on amy's post, i quoted ruth from six feet under. in one episode she said "if my experience is anything to go by, motherhood is the loneliest thing in the world". and it is. even in a roomful of people it's lonely. i got a text today from a friend, which by the way texting rocks. it can connect you and your soul sister in 2 seconds flat and you're both laughing about a drunk carol burnett on a day you thought you might poke your eye out just so you can feel something. anyway so today, right. my friend, she has a little baby who's just getting to playground age, and she said she was at the playground and it was shocking how some people parent. and i replied yes it is. but also that it's lonely. because here you are at the playground, finally, with your kids who if you are me, one of them screamed at you that he wasn't going to have any fun there, and you pretty much dragged him to the playground screaming, and now he's happy as a pig in... mud. and there's another adult! wahoo! and you think i can talk, even if it's just about the weather or the trees or the kids shoes.... the mundane... and then you observe her and her children and that tells you that you don't want to be near her, or her kids. and she's not just having a bad day, you can see this is her 'way' and here you are lonely again, sitting next to a perfectly good adult you just can't relate too. alone. and we are. but we are also not. it's complicated, and fragile but the friends you make that have kids the same age as your kids, that are going through similar things at the same time. that makes the lonely better. bearable. and you find yourself infused with hope once again ready to tackle the day, the day that becomes the next day, which is like the next day and the last day but somehow eventually becomes your whole life.

baby legs and mittens

2010-02-26T13:51:00.001-05:00

it's been snowing here. a lot. we love to play in it. one of the best things about it is being out doors and the distraction giving me a little freedom from the million questions and the mommy this and mommy that for an hour or three. that snowy solace was being interrupted by having to pull the jacket sleeves over the mittens every 4 seconds. for a skinny, string bean of a boy who's coat still fits with room to spare, but the sleeves are getting too short. not fun. for me or the boy. i mean you can't really enjoy building snow forts and snow furniture, a luge and having snow picnics when you have to stop every 4 seconds to get your annoyed mom to pull your sleeves down and re-velcro them. really now. so one of these days we were out there and i had an idea! i have a bunch of baby legs. they are great for that gap between shoe and pants when you're baby wearing. they're great for under pants instead of long johns so you can get them on and off with out taking pants off every time. they're great instead of tights so the littles can still run around without shoes and not slip. love em. and NOW they are also great for holding on mittens. wahla. i just put them on his arms, pull the end over the mittens and i NEVER fix them again! they get soaking wet and i think i may try to make him a pair for next winter out of something a bit waterproof. but they do the trick. snow solace once again!

rowan in his striped baby legs on his arms holding on his mittens

hazel in the snow and her sunglasses. she's 21 1/2 months old and she insists on choosing everything she wears. her baby legs are on under her snow suit. she doesn't like the snow in her eyes, she likes to wear a visor somedays instead of the glasses.

this moment

2010-02-26T13:24:00.000-05:00

inspired by soule mamma's this moment

purple butterflies

2010-02-07T14:32:00.000-05:00

hazel, my baby girl. she's about 21months old. when i was pregnant with her i was petrified. my son is...was...is....kind of a handful. (a handful i LOVE and wouldn't trade for the world, but a handful nonetheless) he needs a lot of attention, always has. my pregnancy with him reflected his personality, so did his birth and up to and beyond his 22 months of life which is when i became pregnant with his sister. i was petrified that this second baby would take as much as the first; and i thought i would die. i'm not even being dramatic here, i really didn't see how i would care for 2 needy individuals myself and my husband. i also couldn't see how i could love another baby. everyone told me it would work out, it would take 2 seconds and i would never know how i lived without this second baby. my mom put it quite nicely when she said that it was like falling in love with the first one but this time rowan would be falling in love with us. ok, yea, yea, i still wasn't sold. then she was born, it was swift and easy going, just like her. (i'm not saying birth was easy! just compared to the first time....swift, definitely swift.) and i was in love, all before breakfast. and to top it off she is 180 degrees from her brother, so i did not die. phew. fast forward to this day right now and man what a moron i was, really? i thought i wouldn't love her? geeze this kid rocks. she is so cool and funny and smart and sweet and i can't even remember life without her. i can't even imagine life without her! she loves to try new things and be outside and i have visions of taking off to london with her, when she's older, for four days just to explore because i know she'd be game and an awesome time.

the pants, what does this have to do with pants? right, right, back to the pants...now two of her favorite things: russian stacking dolls and butterflies. so i was in the fabric store and i saw this material, she also digs purple although green is her favorite color, and i had to make her some pants. she loves them. i love her. i plan on embroidering her a little butterfly on a shirt to kind of go with. we'll see.

anyway i used advice from the creative family by amanda blake soule where she shows how to make kid pants out of an old shirt. i had made pants from hazel this way from some old jeans last april. well i say april, it took me 2 months to make these jeans. she says in the book they are 15 min pants... rowan helped, we had a blast. this is what started our sewing together.

hazel in april 2009, 13 months old wearing jeans made from my old jeans. the ones that ripped off me at the library. ok that's the 2nd time that's come up already in the short life of this blog. i may need to tell you all that story in detail...!

so there you have it. purple, shinny, shimmery, butterfly pants. and z says "my paaants! my paaaants! i loooove my paaants! thaaaank you mommy!" (she has a southern twang. i don't know how my kids have that? we live in jersey for pete's sake! rowan says L: ellllll.)

detail of the pants. so i'm really happy i made them but this is the wrong material for pants. she wore them all day and the seam split in the back even though i had reinforced it. there is no stretch and the material frays a lot. it was hard to work with.

ok so now the following you will probably only be interested in if you are related, so just an fyi gratuitous kid shots coming up. i haven't posted this for a week because i was waiting to get a picture of her in them. well it snowed and we were hanging out all day and i got 100 pictures of her in them. and rowan too. they are silly kids. i love them.

she adores him

does everything he does

playing "babies" that's what she calls her stacking dolls

she likes to be the "tiny baby" cause "she's so tiny!"

making "baby" shadows

so there you have it. purple butterfly pants for the happiest girl i know.

and one more pic of the king and queen.

six degrees of righteous babeness

2010-02-03T14:46:00.000-05:00

feb 2, outside the state theater in new brunswick

i went out last night. no big deal you say, but it was. i haven't gone out at night, by myself in almost 2 years. and the last time was for this same reason, but in nyack and with a bunch of other performers for a benefit. and i wasn't really alone, hazel was with me, in my belly. which is really cool, because i kind of had this feeling she was a she, and that she was a z, (that's what we call her around here and inutero she was baby z). and i was talking to her the whole way and she really enjoyed the music, she was grooving in there. we made a date to go together when she's like 10. but i don't know if she put it in her calender...

my kids like to go to sleep with me and hazel, is still nursing at 21mo. putting them to bed is usually a 2 person affair that i can do on my own, and i do when tom is out, but it usually isn't fun. or saturn, mars and jupiter need to be perfectly aligned. and for tom, he's usually my wingman, he'd never done it on his own till this night. and he took on this task for me. (which he totally nailed and even did the dishes by the way, holy awesomeness to come home to! thank you tom!) so i could go see one of my favorite artists, ani di franco. she's a folk singer, writer, activist, all around awesome woman, she rocks and inspires.

it was amazing. and not only was it a really cool boost to my soul to be in her presence but i was 6, yes SIX! rows away, smack in the center, perfectly lined up with this most righteous babe. she was singing to me i tell you, blissful. i really love her songwriting, singing, energy... she's great.

and to top off all her greatness when she gave birth to her baby daughter petah she did so at home with a midwife, just like me. (and our midwives are friends...cosmic) i didn't know that about her till almost a year after because i didn't even know she was pregnant. i had rowan and he was small i wasn't keeping up with much news. if i had known she was pregnant i would have sent her a copy of ina may. but she already had one, of course she already had one! i found this out because when i was pregnant for the 2nd time, my favorite parenting magazine came and there she was on the cover with her family. right on ani! i gave birth for the second time in my home with her and her family on my nightstand. i keep that copy in there, just for fun, universal, women connectedness...

so anyway last night rocked. it really did. life is good. as one of her new songs states, "if you're not getting happier as you get older, you're fucking up." yup, yup, true and check, definite happiness increasing with my age. she sung a new song about overexposure, "every time i open my mouth i take off all my clothes" and being frostbit from it, yeah, i can relate to that. she sung about being a new mom, freedom, politics, suffering, science, humanity, love.

she closed at 10:28, with 32 flavors, which i was hoping she would sing, because really, "i am a poster girl with no poster". i am, i really, really am. it was her last song and i stood to groove to it with the rest of the crowd, tears in my eyes. why does this woman elicit such strong emotion from me? maybe because she is so truthful, energetic, creative; she wears her heart on her sleeve, saying what has to be said... like someone i know.

"surround yourself with who you are and aspire to be, it makes being a strong, smart, talented woman easier in this world" (anonymous)

thank you ani!

1 year of knitting invisible nets of love

2010-02-01T16:21:00.000-05:00

january 31st 2009 is the day i learned to knit. a wonderful woman named diane taught me at close knit yarns. i started making a scarf. this is how far i've gotten.

it's 10.5". i am the slowest knitter in history. i think the pattern was too hard for my first time. i am a very hands on learner, i'm ambidextrous, i'm a potter, a glassblower, an overachiever. i'm good with my hands soooo i think i fooled diane. she was impressed with how fast i picked it up so she said try this, you can do it. and it's true i can do it. just not quick, not at night when i'm toast, not when someone is talking to me, including the tv and definitely not a few knits here or there. (knits... what is it even called when you do like 2 little loops? a knit? a stitch?) i keep losing track and have to count to see if i am P or K. it is an easy pattern though, it's just ribbed, it was in a free book at the store. i'm using size 7 needles. i cast on 44 stitches. (which i don't even remember how to do anymore) and then the right side is K2, P1 (K2, P2) then last 3 are K2, P1, K2 then the wrong side is K3, (P2, K2)then last 3 are K3. i'm using cascade yarns 109 tweed orange LE.

so my progress is slow, yes. and my cousin tonya said to try something easier, she is right and i've been planning on starting another thing. i just have not got back there to have some one help me pick something out and help me remember how to cast on.

BUT i love the experience, i really loved sitting in the knitting store surrounded by all the yarns, and textures and women knitting. i love the feel of the yarn in my hands, it feels warm and safe and comforting. i love the orange. when i had my first baby, my son who is now 4. i had a bit of a rough time. my midwife, doula, lactation consultant and cranial sacral therapist saved me, us. i felt like i was falling. i didn't know what to do. these women banded together and caught me, helped me, taught me, supported me and my husband. they caught us. whenever i closed my eyes during that time i felt like they were this huge, fuzzy orange net. they were there so we wouldn't fall. this orange, the yarns, the circle of women in the knitting store.... it all feels very similar. i believe in circles of strong women supporting one another. i came across this quote during my second pregnancy and it reminded me of my warm, orange net of women. "i believe that these circles of women around us weave invisible nets of love that carry us when we're weak and sing with us when we're strong" by sark from "succulent wild women". so yes i've knitted 10.5 inches but it's ok. because i love it, i love thinking of the circles of women through history and i've loved holding that yarn. something about my studio calls me, the studio where i make glass and ceramics. but it's cold there. the place is cold, the materials are cold. i like the warm of the yarn. i like sewing and knitting in my house, near my family. so this scarf may be taking a long time, but it's changing things along the way...i may be transforming more then the yarn.

today

2010-01-28T10:06:00.000-05:00

the view today. beautiful. quiet.

today i am 35. i have always loved birthdays, especially my own. not today. well not last night or the night before, the idea of 35 was not sitting so kindly with me. i couldn't figure out why. i thought maybe it's because i still feel 30. 30 was fun, 30 is when my boy came, transforming me into a mother, a stronger, gentler, kinder, more confident version of myself. but where was 31? 32? 33? 34? it seems like i went from 30 to 35. i'm not sure how that happened since i don't know if it really counts as a day if you don't sleep? and i surely have not slept in 5 years. but today it is ok. 35 is just how old my body is, my spaceship for existence in this journey. 35 makes it half my life i've known my husband, and he makes everything so fun. i have a love filled marriage, amazing kids, my life is so full. maybe that's why 35 was bothering me, because it all seems to be moving so fast. and i know that someday i will be wondering where the last 35 years have gone, not just the last 5. so i will continue to enjoy every moment of this year, laughing, playing in the snow, tickling my kids, creating, and spending as much time as possible with that wonderful husband of mine, who somehow with just a few words and a timely card, made today seem like the wonderful day it is.

old tank tops and new bags

2010-01-17T12:06:00.000-05:00

i have had much of my clothing for over 15 years. i know that some would think that's sad. but i don't. i really don't care about fashion, i like to dress in jeans and a black t-shirt. i have to update the jeans because the waistlines and styles keep changing, but mostly they have to be replaced anyway because they are ripping in crazy places. i like old navy, i like shopping online. i occasionally like to find a unique sweatshirt or top. i do like to look nice sometimes but it's not something i like to spend a lot of time doing. in my previous "professional" life i was a graphic designer and the attire at my office was casual, not business casual, flip flop casual, so it was great. i am also a pac rat. it might come with being an artist, my whole life i always thought "i can use that! somehow..." so i saved it. i hate to think of perfectly good things sitting in landfills. freecycle may have saved my sanity. i also have memories that are linked to things, for example one of the below i was wearing in the summer of 96 when my friend barb and i drove across the country camping and exploring for 7 weeks. it was grand, it was like a rite of passage to womanhood. i think of this when i see the blue tank top. so when i was recently packing all of my clothes that don't fit right into a bag for the local women's shelter, i had to save it. and the green one, i have a thing for trees. it occurred to me i could make a lightweight bag for my kids to keep their toys in from them. it drives me nuts to have all of the toy parts from the same toy or game all over the house. so i did. i just turned them inside out and sewed the bottom together. i tried to use an overedge stitch on the blue one, because i got a new sewing machine and i wanted to try it. i should have googled it first because i don't how you're supposed to do it. so then i just did a straight stitch above. they came out great. here they are. and as the universe would have it, one is blue and one is green, my kids favorite colors.

loud wheel dog

2010-01-13T19:49:00.000-05:00

so loud wheel dog eh? where'd that come from? well it's a drawing i made in chalk on the floor of the glass blowing studio in college. (yes, i technically hold a degree, a BFA, in glassblowing and ceramics) it made me laugh. i drew him in my sketchbook, he visits my subconscious sometimes and again, i laugh. he comes out on the driveway when i'm drawing with chalk with my kids, he's the pet i'd want if i had one... he'd be easy to walk. when i decided i was going to write this blog. i figured ok, i'll set it up, let's see what happens. i clicked the button then up pops this question, what name? what domain? i was like what? i need a name? damn, i didn't think about that, crap this is going to take another year. but what pops into my head first? yup, you got it, loud wheel dog. so i thought, ok well what am i going to write about? will this title fit? and then i thought, i want to write about my kids, my passions for things from home birth and breast feeding to sewing, my lack of knitting progress, to glass casting, making trains out of junk mail, drawing on each other with skin crayons, my crafting, my art...is that the same?....ahhh age old question, see i even digress in my thoughts.... and i figured yeah ok it's a little wackado but so am i and that's what i'm doing here, feeding my soul by being who i am and saying what i feel. so yup loud wheel dog. i figure the ride will be swift and fun and bumpy and well he kind of has a mane to hold onto.

the picky eaters

2010-01-12T21:47:00.000-05:00

soooooo my family is tops in picky eating. seriously. i was vegan for 17 years. then i started eating beef, not just oh hey i'm out i'll have a burger beef, grass fed, free range, my herbalist raises the cattle himself out in utah, beef. then eggs from the farm nearby, no not from the diner on I95 so it's easy to travel eggs.... and chicken sometimes from said farm. but not milk or butter or .... well you get the idea, so now i'm not vegan anymore just picky. my husband, tom, he doesn't eat vegetables. none. never. zilch. he orders chicken fried rice, no vegetables, cheesesteak, no peppers or onions, cheeseburger just the burger and the cheese... again, you get the idea. so ok again, picky. now the kids: kid #2 is 19 months old and she will eat anything i give her, look me in the eye and say "thank you mommy" "mmmmm good" "i love you mommy". ohhh nice! not picky! and she likes meat. really, she sees me take meat out of the fridge and she says "meat! meat! i want meat!" crazy. but kind of explains the HUGE cravings for beef i had when i was pregnant with her. she's a little crazy too, which might explain the cravings for jack daniels..... but she didn't get any of the latter inutero... anyway i digress. she also nurses like it's just business, pops off and says "i'm done. thank you"...but she's got time...

kid #1, he wouldn't even eat food until over 18months old. breastmilk was all the kid wanted. he ate oatios, an apple here or there, but had NO interest in food. he's now 4 and somedays he'll eat curried red lentils and spinach, somedays he'll eat sauteed kale and a burger...grass fed ;) somedays he'll eat at my favorite ethiopian restaurant. and somedays....or some weeks he will only eat pancakes. or wait, crackers. or the newest love, pancake puff. and these weeks are becoming more of a common scene then the healthy options. and he won't eat my soup anymore! soooo enter my new favorite cookbook. my friend fiona heard of my pancake weeks issue and lent it to me. it's jessica seinfeld's deceptively delicious. and seriously, it may be deceptive but it is delicious! i made brownies with spinach in them. really! spinach! the boy ate em up. i make pancakes with sweet potatoes in them, woo hoo! she changed everything with suggesting adding the purees to things. very cool. tonight i made chicken rice balls. and tom ate them! my nana told me long ago i should mash carrots and put them in tomato sauce for tom. my reply, "i'm not his mother, if he doesn't want to eat vegetables he doesn't have to" now. i AM someone's mother and dammit my boy is going to eat his vegetables! so right on jessica seinfeld, thanks! and nana, well i told her she should have written a book about mashing those carrots into the sauce, then she could have been a millionaire! ha!

wow...hello...here we go!

2010-01-10T00:14:00.000-05:00

hi well here i am in cyber space. i have a lot of ideas in my head, i don't get a lot of sleep and i have 2 small children that consume almost all of my energy. the remainder of that energy goes to my husband, who after 11 years, i still want to spend all my free time with, and to feeding us all. but... i'm an artist. and i don't feel quite whole if i'm not creating, writing, making.... and so here i am. it's been a year on this journey towards feeding my soul. last year my amazing husband gave me a copy of "the creative family" by amanda blake soule because i am, in the depths of my soul, an artist and he could see i wasn't getting my creating in, so i read this book, i was instantly feeling like there were other women like me, who all of a sudden found themselves educated, married, opinionated, talented and well, mothers. i'd found a "village" you could say. anyway it started with a pair of pants for my daughter made from a pair of my favorite jeans that ripped off of me...at story time...at the library....but that's a whole other story... i borrowed a sewing machine from my friend (and partner in mothering till we drop) nancy. and the making felt good. i sewed with my son. we made flip dolls.

we made a birthday banner. i made him a birthday crown.

so here i am putting handmade back into my life. i need there to be things crafted with love near me. the plastic toys drive me nuts. i like feeling life in the things i hold. i like watching my children hold and play with things that are real. i am writing this blog because i have found a lifeline in amanda's blog and i love keeping in touch with my cousin and her family in her blog, feeling connected to her while we both create. so it's mostly for me i think, a journal, maybe for my kids to someday see, perhaps? or maybe for you, if there is a you out there reading this, to connect with us or to keep in touch. so... here we go!